Again,
I am feeling unwell.
What’s
new?
I’m
asking myself, almost begging to feel different. For a long time, I have been
feeling like I have lost my passion for everything. I used to be so full
emotion, and whatever I felt was personified by passion. Now I’m just
unresponsive, apathetic.
I
feel like I am diminishing, sinking deeper and deeper in to the bed; so low
that the floor can be felt and is bowing with the weight I carry on my
shoulders.
How,
when I have not seen anyone or been anywhere can I feel so troubled? Physically
I am fragile, mentally I am not. Maybe this will be my disgrace.
As
I’m watching my life go by; days unnoticed, weeks uncounted, I turn my
attention to the cars that glide by outside my window. Full of dreams being
dreamt, wishes being wished and I have only my own thoughts to argue with.
Sometimes
I feel like I have so many different people inside my head that I'm afraid to
be alone. I have to have something constantly to focus on, to distract me. I
can’t cope with my own mental state and I fear it’s becoming more noticeable.
TV is an expected tool for escapism and when I’m with my friends all I want to
do is talk, tell them about the voices, the conversations, the confusion, the
panic. I want them to reassure me that it will all be okay, something I will
never be.
I am projectile-vomiting molten crazy over everything
and don’t believe I will ever be able to function socially again.