Wednesday, 27 April 2011

Stop The World! I Want To Get Off


Again, I am feeling unwell.
What’s new?
I’m asking myself, almost begging to feel different. For a long time, I have been feeling like I have lost my passion for everything. I used to be so full emotion, and whatever I felt was personified by passion. Now I’m just unresponsive, apathetic.

I feel like I am diminishing, sinking deeper and deeper in to the bed; so low that the floor can be felt and is bowing with the weight I carry on my shoulders.
How, when I have not seen anyone or been anywhere can I feel so troubled? Physically I am fragile, mentally I am not. Maybe this will be my disgrace.
As I’m watching my life go by; days unnoticed, weeks uncounted, I turn my attention to the cars that glide by outside my window. Full of dreams being dreamt, wishes being wished and I have only my own thoughts to argue with.

Sometimes I feel like I have so many different people inside my head that I'm afraid to be alone. I have to have something constantly to focus on, to distract me. I can’t cope with my own mental state and I fear it’s becoming more noticeable. TV is an expected tool for escapism and when I’m with my friends all I want to do is talk, tell them about the voices, the conversations, the confusion, the panic. I want them to reassure me that it will all be okay, something I will never be.

I am projectile-vomiting molten crazy over everything and don’t believe I will ever be able to function socially again.