Sunday, 27 May 2012

On The Fifth Day Of Christmas, My True Love Gave To Me... Suicidal Tendencies

Saturday, 17 December 2011


Well, that time of year is drawing closer and I am no less terrified of going postal and taking half the world with me. We (my friend, her mum and I) went to Huddersfield today and picked out some rather beautiful clothes for my friend but I couldn’t help feel a little awkward. I saw all the mothers, lovers and loved ones rushing around gathering treats for the ones that are dear to them and I felt a pang of hatred. 

This year, this tragic year, holds so little for me. I have lost so much. I try very hard to have a somewhat positive outlook but I can’t help coming back home to the resentment waiting at the door saying "I told you so". 
I have no lover, my family is splitting at the seams and this will be a Christmas of unfortunate firsts. My father came here instead of us all making the pilgrimage to his in my sister's car. It was always freezing as the heater never worked but we made it so much fun. It was somewhat of a tradition I had grown to enjoy, alas, that will be no more. This is the first Christmas of the foreseeable future that we will not be in my childhood home as that is now occupied by the shell of my sister and the beast she married. I knew growing up would be tough but I always thought that family meant home, no matter where it was. As I currently feel like don’t have family, so to speak, in turn I have no home.

I had a free cup of punch today in Huddersfield, I practically ran away from my friend's mum so she couldn't see me welling up with frustration. Somehow the delicious zing of the punch (and maybe the fact it was free) seemed to choke down the rage. The feeling that there was some good in the world should have enraged me more but at that moment, for the shortest of seconds, I felt special. I was glad when the day ended so I could return to my cocooned bungalow, hidden from the world so I no longer had to suffer my empathetic ailment. Here, I do not have to be good, just or smiley. Here I can wallow, I can be pathetic, I can spiral without fear and judgement.

My pills are fighting with me again today, some days they do not want me to take them, they want me to be ill and feel it all. I win, I always win for I am big and they are small (and inanimate). I don’t know why they don’t like me.

Now comes the big rest. Merriment will be had by all, even if we have to drink the merriment. I feel nothing. I want to but I don’t. I have been hurt this year far too much by far too many people and for far too few reasons.