Wednesday, 6 June 2012

How To Break The Broken


There is no reason or rhyme to it, not this time. I am simply just crazy. Now, more than ever. I have stopped being able to control it as well as I once did. It is boiling over on to my skin; the scars beneath are etching their way though my epidermis and showing the world that I am weak. Never before has there been so many physical symptoms of stress wrecking my body but this year has been unlike others. This year has been the toughest year so far…or maybe it hasn’t, maybe I am just getting weaker and therefore am less able to cope with the world. I hate the fact that they can all see my illness; they can practically smell the crazy on me.

Pathetic.

Weak.

It is moving out of the ‘quirky’ realm and in to the ‘plain crazy’ one.

What if I can no longer control it?
What will become of me?

This is already killing me; I have no handle on my moods, on my anger. Tiny, pathetic snarks are eliciting an over reaction of massive proportions from me. See, I know this is happening, I can feel the molten anger rise up, the white hot pain in my cheeks as I grit my teeth, the bitter taste as I try to choke my rage back down…but there is no stopping it anymore. It is becoming simply impossible to ‘let it go’.
I can’t forget.
I can’t let it be.
It consumes me.

Hate is spreading though my bones, my cells, like a disease…all brought on by him. He infected me and everything since has just added to the deadly poison snaking its way though my brain…through my blood. It spills over, they feel my tongue, they feel my hate and they hate me for the venom I spew.

Why is it so hard for me to control it as I once did?
Why can't I be her again?
Why can't I be her?
I want her back.

Venting no longer eases the pain, not like it did; nothing works as it did. Everything is a whirlwind and I am so caught up in it that I can no longer focus on something stationary and gain perspective. The inner diplomacy, the inner rationality is being drowned out by her, by the shouting and the crazy. She is winning…the balance has tipped, she is reigning free…this means trouble.

They hate me.

I am breaking them.
I am losing them.
I am hurting them and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I have tried talking and explaining but you can see it in their eyes…hurt, disgust, and confusion.

Why is she saying this?
Why is she hurting me so much?

I wish I could take a holiday from my head but all the things that would aid me in doing that will harm me more in the long run.

I can’t cope.
I can’t do this any more.
I am lost.