Sunday, 26 August 2012

Circa Mid 2009


Today I am feeling the world, not on top of it or part of it but I can feel it. The agony, the beauty, the riddles and the sacrifice. I seem better on the outside but I'm numb and apathetic on the inside. I can’t care how they want me to, not now. I can’t care how I want to or how I used to; I’m drinking more. Seems to have little effect, as do so many other distractions I've tried. Maybe drugs are next?
I can make people believe what I want them to believe and that’s not the best trait at the moment. How is it that I want someone to see right though me but when it happens I know I will regret it? I am a contradiction to myself. The past is so pretty. The future is full of charred hate. The sky hangs heavy tonight, full of secrets and lies and the moon sparkles as if knowing something we have not yet discovered. The untouched wasteland of the vast, like my mind…

Sometimes I feel that the world around me gets bigger and bigger, making me smaller and even more insignificant. I held a flame to myself yesterday; to feel. I felt. I can’t say it was worth it, no miracle cure, no fireworks or 'praise the lord, I can feel'. Just pain, different to my internal pain, no better, no worse, just more pain.

I can't stand being torn in every different direction by my peers.
I don’t want to be who they say.
I don’t want to do what they order.
I don’t want to feel how they prescribe.
I am not a leaflet.
I am not a medicine bottle; my resolve is not taking 2 a day with food.
I am procrastinating again, now with my ‘illness’. I am looking after someone else because it’s easier to push away my pain, the pain of having to strive to get better. 

Strive…that should be what I am remembered for, always striving for the life I will never achieve, the peace I will never find. I always have and it seems, I always will. Can’t wait.
 "Can you look up on a stormy night and still see the sunshine of tomorrow? Or do you stand outside on the brightest day and still feel the mystery of the night?" - I remember you. You are with me, always.

Saturday, 4 August 2012

She Will Do Great Things


Why is love blind?

Why is it, when you fall in love all other things become less important?
Money,
Friends,
Issues,
Food,
Breathing.

All these things that are day-to-day staples become secondary to the all-consuming addiction to each other when you fall in love.

Is this still the childish way of taking risks by dealing with the seemingly secondary things later or does this make a relationship?

Why do we ignore all the issues, quirks we know will annoy us in later life at the beginning and why do they become so vivid later on?

No relationship is certain or in my opinion, forever. Is it really worth the risk? I used to live for love. Until I was broken. Now I see nothing but future hurt and too much risk.

I know from experience it can be worth it and if you find the love you never thought you would experience, the love you dream of, then take the risk?

Love; perfectly imperfect love. Kind, gentle, dominant, generous, uncertain, strange, thoughtful, romantic, twisted, reassuring love.

Love is blind but beautifully so.

I am all in. All in.