Today I am feeling the world, not on top of it or part of it but I can feel it. The agony, the beauty, the riddles and the sacrifice. I seem better on the outside but I'm numb and apathetic on the inside. I can’t care how they want me to, not now. I can’t care how I want to or how I used to; I’m drinking more. Seems to have little effect, as do so many other distractions I've tried. Maybe drugs are next?
I can make people believe what I want them to believe and that’s not the best trait at the moment. How is it that I want someone to see right though me but when it happens I know I will regret it? I am a contradiction to myself. The past is so pretty. The future is full of charred hate. The sky hangs heavy tonight, full of secrets and lies and the moon sparkles as if knowing something we have not yet discovered. The untouched wasteland of the vast, like my mind…
Sometimes I feel that the world around me gets bigger and bigger, making me smaller and even more insignificant. I held a flame to myself yesterday; to feel. I felt. I can’t say it was worth it, no miracle cure, no fireworks or 'praise the lord, I can feel'. Just pain, different to my internal pain, no better, no worse, just more pain.
I can't stand being torn in every different direction by my peers.
I don’t want to be who they say.
I don’t want to do what they order.
I don’t want to feel how they prescribe.
I am not a leaflet.
I am not a medicine bottle; my resolve is not taking 2 a day with food.
I am procrastinating again, now with my ‘illness’. I am looking after someone else because it’s easier to push away my pain, the pain of having to strive to get better.
Strive…that should be what I am remembered for, always striving for the life I will never achieve, the peace I will never find. I always have and it seems, I always will. Can’t wait.
"Can you look up on a stormy night and still see the sunshine of tomorrow? Or do you stand outside on the brightest day and still feel the mystery of the night?" - I remember you. You are with me, always.