Monday, 18 March 2013

The Definition Of Insanity Is


It's endless torture. 
That is all life is; stream of pain and disappointment. I can't shake this feeling, I had a good run but it has all gone back to the beginning.
Because they all let me down.
Because I let them hurt me.
Because I'm too weak to keep them out.
I can't be here, it's too manic. I can't live in this feeling, this state of being, it's uncontrollable. The resentment bubbles up again and I try, I've tried to forgive but there is too much hurt.
How can I forgive anyone if I cant forgive myself?
I blame myself for it all, it's my fault for being so weak, so naive. I let them in, I gave them access to all the things I held dear and watched as they burned it all to ashes. I stood and watched it and could do nothing, I was happy to let it happen because that is all I'm worth.

They have all taken a  piece of me, it adds up. Every snipe, every degradation, every time they let me down. I'm missing bits all over and there is nothing to fill the gaps but hate and resentment. I don't have good judgement, I am blind to the monsters. Why can everyone else see them except me? I trust my instinct and it is wrong, I shouldn't trust one damn person.
Had I died inside years ago then I wouldn't be in so deep now.

I am inside out, the inside is seeping out, breaking the bones of my masks and twisting their shadow in to something to fear, something to hate. I tried. I'm tired.

Tomorrow is another day but this one, this one is broken. This one is tainted, poisoned, dying. This one will end quickly.

You make me sick. 

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