Today was my last
therapy session with my current psychologist. It has been an incredible
journey, good, bad and really ugly but every cycle must end so something else
can begin. Today was/is a day for pride. I'm feeling strong, capable and
bright.
I was asked to write
a 'Personal Story' for Psychological Therapies for them to publish, use to show
the 'bigwigs' how us with mental health problems deal with therapy and to help
the general public to gain a better insight in to our 'demi-monde'.
This was what I
wrote:
So far, I have
come in contact with the Community Mental Health Team, short term therapy,
psychology and I am currently being assessed by a psychiatrist.
I have been
suffering from depression and suicidal thoughts from an early age, at 21 I was
put on Fluoxetine and the dose slowly increased. At that time, I was offered
short term therapy which did not help. I bounced from job to job, having more
and more time off for the serious bouts of not being able to function. No one
could understand why I couldn't 'shake it off' or 'get over it'. I felt weak
and like I had failed at life. I got another job, stuck it out for as long as I
could but I would always end up in the same position. I medicated with alcohol
and anything I could do to just feel a good feeling for a while. When I was
around 22, I was diagnosed with M.E and after coping for a while, I began to
spiral. The Prozac had made me numb, I couldn't cry, I couldn't feel and I had
no release so that was when I began to self harm. I would bleed to feel a
release and to just 'feel'. There wasn't many people that knew about this
because they already couldn't understand why I was so broken, so I hid it. I
drank and I gambled. Finally, in the depths of my breakdown, I ran to West
Yorkshire. I changed medication to Citalopram which enabled me to feel again
but those feelings immediately turned in to suicidal thoughts. A great portion
of my self harming happened at that time, cutting, drinking and promiscuity.
Finally, I was referred for long term psychology and had my medication changed
for the last time to Mirtazapine. This medication allowed me to cope enough to
get to long term psychology, I can honestly say with out it, I wouldn't be
here.
The only issue
I had with this in-depth psychology was the waiting list, the whole system
changed while I was waiting and that seemed to send me to the back of the list
again. At the time, I was incredibly angry about it but I have since realised
that in my case, it was the best thing that could have happened as when I
finally got it, I was ready for it. When I first met my psychologist, Helen, I
went in with a lot of anger and unrealistic expectations of her changing my
life and fixing me. It took a while for me to realise that it didn't work that
way, she helped me understand that the change comes from me, she is just there
to help me puzzle things out and see things from a different perspective. There
wasn't one definitive moment when I suddenly 'changed' but I can tell you that
for me, it got worse before it got better. As my insecurities and perceptions
began to change, my body took on the stress and I began to have uncontrollable
panic attacks. I began to feel the same feelings of failure and inadequacy
again until Helen helped me realise why they were happening. At the beginning
of my therapy, I had isolated myself from friends and family, I was self
harming in various ways and I was looking to run again. Now I'm coming to the
end of my therapy because I am going home to reconnect with my family. I
haven't physically self harmed in over 6 months and I haven't had a panic
attack in over 2 months.
One of the
things that has been constant throughout this whole journey is writing, I wrote
everything down, all my emotions (or lack of) and even had a blog about mental
illness. Over the course of my therapy, that blog has changed. The tone is less
'Why, God why?' and more 'Let's figure this out' with helpful tips and hints to
make it through a tough day. I began to exercise more (as much as a girl with
M.E can) and I have even found myself being optimistic, not just about day to
day situations but about my future. I am happy to say, I am on the road to
recovery (I'm not out of the woods but at least I've found a path!) and I
personally think that it is completely down to the psychologist I had and how
much she cared about her job and helping me to get to where I am now. She has
encouraged me to think about things in completely different ways, to explore
myself and who I am and to keep writing about it. With my whole heart, I thank
her.