Their influence over me at such an unstable time is so great that it flipped a beautiful day into an utterly miserable one in around seven minutes. I'm not strong enough to fight the hormones, the illness and the chemical misfires in my brain right now and I managed to let everything in.
I broke and I fell, hard. I cried for everything that was, everything that had been and everything that would be. And then came the absolute emptiness. The pain that makes every other emotional pain feel like a splinter.
I wanted to hurt myself so badly.
I still do.
So, I ate. Everything. Anything I could get my hands on to stop from taking a blade to my leg, stuffing a fistful of pills down my throat or putting my face through a door. I ate and I purged.
I feel shame, I feel regret, I feel broken but above all, I feel so very hurt. I am so deeply sad about it all. I'm still grieving over the life I think I should have lived, the life someone else has. I can't tell myself that 'I'm enough' right now because it would be a lie.
I have to learn to forgive and let go, for my sake.
I miss Helen.