The beast is back.
The cycle has started anew.
Is it pessimistic to call it a cycle?
I suppose I'm always expecting to end up here, back in the
gloom of it. The change is so noticeable to me because of how I felt before.
The thoughts are distressing because they are no longer 'the norm'.
I want to hurt myself.
I want to throw things, scream, cry, mutilate but I won't. I
can't.
I haven't cut in over six months, I haven't abused money,
found solace with a plethora of men, drank my pain or done any other damaging
'coping mechanism' that I used to do. What would be the point in learning these
new skills if I can't practice them when I need them the most? It's hard, very
hard. But nothing worth having is easy or simple.
I have spent the last year trying to unlearn twenty-seven
years of mental abuse, mental conflict and guilt. I'm impatient at my progress,
thinking I should be better than this by now, then that leads to more guilt,
more shame. It's vicious, I'm vicious, I couldn't even begin to judge someone
else even half as harshly as I judge myself, there is no way I could ever live
up to my own impossible standards.
One day at a time, just get through one day at a time.
Don't ever give up.
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