I have been lying my
entire life.
To others and to
myself. About who I am, what I want, and how much I fit in.
I am reforming
myself.
A few months ago, I
was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. This was, in equal parts,
shocking and unsurprising. Unsurprising because I knew there was more to my
mental health than depression. I never quite fit in to that mould either.
Shocking because now it’s real. It’s not my imagination, it’s not paranoia, it
is a fact that I’d have to admit to others, and worse, to myself. Scary stuff.
In my bravado, I
took it on and looked at all the ‘criteria’ I fit in order to be diagnosed. In
the first few days, there was a lot of reading and "OMG"; there was
also a lot of “FINALLY! Now I understand why I do that!” and “It’s like they’re
writing about my life!” too.
Here I was, meeting
almost all of these criteria.
Here I was, being
put in to words.
Here I was being
validated, accepted…understood.
Here I was, with
BPD.
The subsequent weeks
have been a roller-coaster to say the least. I did research, I owned it, I
explained it, I contemplated it but I never digested it. I never absorbed the
implications, the understanding. I was so wrapped up with finally finding
answers and being understood that I never truly thought of what this actually
means to me now.
What does this mean
to me now?
This means that I
have to work through a million different emotions about it all. The funny thing
is, I've never felt more validated in my life. And it is killing me.
I've lied to myself
and other people my whole life:
“I’m overreacting.”
“I don’t care.”
“I fit in
everywhere, I’m a social butterfly.”
“It doesn't really
hurt.”
“I’m sorry.”
My reactions to
things were abnormal, so I looked to other people to emulate proper reactions
to situations, even though I was dying inside. I needed other people to tell me
how to feel. I created masks to fit in, to be normal. I was good at everything
so I never had to excel at anything. I fit in everywhere to mask never fitting
in anywhere.
I've been obsessed
with being the perfect person, always processing/reacting/behaving in the
correct way, fitting the patterns, being my twisted idea of normal. Now I don’t
have to beat myself up for being different?
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